The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner (Eclipse, Novella)
Hachette Little, Brown (US, UK & AU: 5th June 2010)
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Remember a newborn vampire named Bree from Stephenie Meyer’s Eclipse? I didn’t, but from what I can gather here: Badass vamp Victoria sends badass vamp Riley off to form an army of newborns – cannon fodder, really – to attack the yellow-eyed vampires whom we know (but Bree doesn’t) as the Cullens. Why? They think the Cullens are hogging all the human blood, or whatever. Cannon fodder isn’t supposed to question why they’re doing what they’re doing; they’re just supposed to do it.
Bree Tanner is one of the newborns, and she soon discovers that Riley has been lying to them. Turns out that direct sunlight alone can’t kill vampires – it makes them sparkle, like mirrorballs. But even before that discovery, these vamps have a sense of entitlement: It was the same way he chose us. Meals and gods, both coming from the dregs. Keep a lid on it, kids – you’re just vamps; not gods. And not ninjas, either, however you may wish.
But this vampire army has junkies aplenty. They huff a shirt worn by the infamous human whom the Cullens seem to keep as a “pet”. Couldn’t they have sniffed paint instead, or whiteboard markers?
We could see the shining disco-ball vampires in the front yard, staring at their hands and each other’s faces with rapt expressions. This immediately brings to mind Futurama‘s Lurr, Ruler of the Planet Omicron Persei 8, after he eats a “smelly hippie”. To quote: “Dude…my hands are huge!”
Let it never be said that Stephenie Meyer doesn’t have a sense of humour. Within these pages are things like “Hulk…SMASH!” And Riley and the cheeseburger of pain. This is why I’m not a writer, because I could never coin a phrase like that. But really, you don’t have to make up a LOLcat because the author has done it for you!
The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner is an okay way to spend a few hours, but if you skip it, you’re not missing much.
Now awaiting another novel in the vein of The Host…