David O’Doherty [illustrated by Chris Judge]
Danger is Everywhere
Penguin Puffin (AU: 23rd July 2014; UK: 7th August 2014); Hachette Little, Brown (US: 21st October 2014)
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Dear Docter Noel Zone:
Ordinarily I’d side-eye those who deliberately choose to misspell a word. But in your case, you gave yourself the first name of Docter, spelled that way to distinguish yourself from others, because you are a Level 5 Dangerologist.
However, there are some obvious gaps in your knowledge of danger. I refer specifically to your garden, which is all bricks and concrete because you find them safer than more common garden features. But holy freaking cabbages, Noel, are you just trolling us? You know what’s pretty darned dangerous? Bricks and concrete! If one should fall, at best you’d be bruised, but at worst you could bang your head and that won’t end well.
Also, Noel, we need to talk about your fondness of cabbages. Mate, they are nowhere near as awesome as you think they are. Now, I’m okay to agree to disagree, but I can’t help but wonder if your cabbage fancy is put on. After all, your neighbour grows and sells cabbages, and you eat a heckload of them, which leads me to believe you’re just using cabbages to get to Gretel…whom you’re not comfortable talking to, because you like her.
So are you into cabbages because they’re Gretel’s livelihood? Or do you like Gretel because she runs the cabbage trade? Or do you like Gretel because she seems to be the only female around?
And, Noel, you seem to solve all your problems by dancing. Mate, do you have any idea how dangerous dancing is? It’s freaking dangerous! You can trip, or hit someone, or at least cause some emotional trauma to those who witness the occasion. Not cool, Noel. Not cool.
You did well to include The Emergency Page Of Calm, though – much appreciated. And though I shouldn’t laugh at your unfortunate predicament (of living near the zoo, wherein giraffes chew your letters of complaint), I loved the page 72-73 spread: “STOP STARING AT ME, GIRAFFES. YOU WEIRD STRETCHY HORSES.”
Docter Tez Miller (Level 1 Dangerologist)
P.S. Always a delight to have your neighbour, David O’Doherty, at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival every year!