[REVIEW] Twilight – Stephenie Meyer

Stephenie Meyer
Twilight (The Twilight Saga, Book 1)
Hachette Atom (AU: July 2008; UK: 30th October 2008; US & CA: 1st November 2008)
Buy (US) Buy (UK) Buy (CA)

Before you even lay hands on Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight, you’ll know whether or not it’s for you. I knew it wasn’t for me, but decided to give it a chance anyway. After all, I did enjoy the author’s futuristic adult novel, The Host. So this week I began reading, sending my thoughts to Twitter and Facebook as I went along. Thanks to all my commenters – you made the reading experience a whole lot more fun πŸ™‚

This is clearly a character-driven novel, considering the external plot only kicks in with about 130 pages left. From here, the suspense builds and the story is more enjoyable. But all the relationship faff that makes up the bulk of Twilight…it pissed me off on so many levels.

I’ve already started the sequel, New Moon, but here’re organised lists of what you should know (or what I’d like to know) about Twilight:

LOGICFAIL
-Bella goes faint at the scent of 1 drop of blood in the room. How does she handle rolling out the red carpet every month? Maybe she has a Magical Uterus of Infinite Purity, so no red carpet.
-No particular reason why Edward can’t read Bella’s mind. She’s a Speshul Snowflake?
-If vampires can procreate, can they spread VD, too?

THIS ISN’T ROMANTIC; IT’S CREEPY!
-Edward follows/stalks Bella. She doesn’t mind; kind of likes it…but this understates the situation. She totally wants to roger him, y’all! πŸ˜‰ But on a more serious note, it’s an abusive relationship, only Bella won’t/can’t admit it to herself or anyone else. She mistakes stalking as being romantic, and since there are so many readers who go fangirly over Edward…This is just so depressing. Bella and these females must have low self-esteem, the poor lasses. You deserve better than stalkers, ladies! This concept of “wuv” confuses and infuriates us!
-Edward explains vampires as like alcoholics and heroin addicts. That would make Bella an enabler?
-Edward knows where Bella’s spare key is. He watches her sleep (and talk in her sleep) every night. She’s flattered. Not cool!

OTHER NOTES
-“Quileute” seems to be pronounced Kwil-leh-oot (thanks to Wikipedia).
-Kind of hilarious when Bella thinks Edward is a superhero. What would be his alias?
-The PE teacher’s surname is Clapp. Too many VD jokes…Giggity.
-“…my gratuitous drug use.” If Bella really was a druggie, that would explain a lot about her effed-up psyche.
-Other than books for school, Bella only reads classics. Up yours, Bella; why can’t you support authors who are actually alive?
-So many references of Edward being like stone and metal. He’s not a vampire – he’s Steampunk Eddie.
-Edward has worse PMS than mine.
-“So if you don’t want to sleep…” Of course she doesn’t want to sleep, Steampunk Eddie. She wants to get barrre rrroooooted!
Short snippet from film: Sparkle looks more like when arm hair is in direct sunlight. Not beautiful. Fugly.
-Edward: born in 1901. Book 1st published: 2005. A 104-year-old virgin. Would’ve thought he’d be shagging corpses come age 100.

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19 responses to “[REVIEW] Twilight – Stephenie Meyer

  1. OMG. I’m still laughing. GREAT review, Tez and I totally agree with you.

  2. I never really got why Bella was so willing to let her personality be subsumed by Edward’s. I mean, her background doesn’t suggest any reasons as to why she wouldn’t have better self-esteem.

  3. Wendy – Your laughter brings me great joy πŸ™‚

  4. two thumbs up for me Tez – spot on review.

  5. I’m glad someone is not infatuated with this piece of crap fluff. πŸ™‚

  6. But, but, but… EDWARD IS DREAMY! HOT TOPIC WOULD NOT LIE TO ME.

    Seriously, at heart this book is about an old man perving on a little girl.

  7. hehe, I still haven’t read it yet, but I read Midnight Sun while it was posted at Stephenie’s website and thought Edward was majorly creepy too…yet, I’m intrigued by him. It’s very complicated thing. If I was in Bella’s shoes, I wouldn’t want to be near him (watching someone sleep is beyond creepy O_O) but I did find the character interesting.

    ~ Popin

  8. Well, I personally have always belonged to Team Jacob. And after seeing him in the New Moon trailer, anyone who doesn’t forget Edward’s scrawny white butt is crazy.

    Really excellent points, Tez. I’ve always chalked Bella’s actions up to the hormone overload that occurs naturally in some teen girls, plus drugs, plus a screwed up home life. It’s like a triple whammy.

    Have to admit, I liked The Host much better. But then, I’m an adult.

  9. I just can’t get over how unsexy it would be to smooch a marble man.

    • Apparently there is shagging and…breeding in Book 4. I’m thinking that would be like rooting an icicle, but no doubt it will be much more romantic for the characters. Logic ain’t sexy, y’all πŸ˜‰

  10. I hadn’t realized that you haven’t read this yet.

    The whole reason Edward can’t read Bella does get explained, but not until Breaking Dawn (I think it’s in BD). I can tell you if you want. πŸ˜‰

    I never really thought about the whole stalker/abusive relationship while I was reading it, but that is generally the first thing everyone else notices about this series.

    • I wasn’t going to read them, but I have the books, and decided to read them before I hand them over to someone else. ‘Tis only fair.

      And yes, you should totally tell me πŸ™‚ Maybe then things will make more sense. Or my brain will just continue to be an eejit πŸ˜‰

  11. Oh, yes. What you all said.

    But none of this would be so much of a problem if the author *showed* us why they were in love, instead of just *telling* us over and over and over in the hope that we fall for it.

    Nothing can save a book where the heroine has no personality. Not even a sparkly steampunk stalker hero.

    Sigh.

  12. I wasn’t a big fan of Twilight either, it’s nice to see that others felt similarly. I read New Moon because I had a copy but had issues with it as well. I haven’t decided if I’ll read the rest of the series or not. I’d kind of like to know how the story ends, but I’m not sure it’s worth the frustration along the way. (Honestly, Meyer is not a very good writer IMO so just *reading* the books is kind of a challenge.)

    On the up side… the movies so far seem to be pretty good adaptations. I hadn’t read any of the books when I saw Twilight the movie and I think overall I enjoyed the movie more than the book. I did have some extra issues with the movie but after I read the book I was kind of like ‘Ohh.. I get it now’. So maybe I’ll just sit back with some popcorn and enjoy the movies. It may be angsty teenage romance, but at least it’s a departure from the norm for vampire movies in general. (which usually revolve around folks hunting vampires rather than telling the stories of the vampires themselves)

  13. Pingback: Book review: Twilight « ReviewsbyLola's Blog

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